waiting room thoughts and things.

9:01:00 AM

Hospitals have a sort of solace attached to them.
Like a church
A sacredness no one cares to think about
Second floor.
"What does ICU stand for?"
"Intensive care unit."
"Is it that bad?"
There are crowds of people but no one says a word. Families sit side by side in silence. The kind of silence that makes you nervous. It really is an odd thing to see person after person sitting silently, head down, head straight forward, blank stares.

And you know everyone there is there for the same thing. You know everyone there wants to jump a week into the future. Eyes in the waiting room avert their gazes. You are surrounded by people who's struggles are just as valid as yours and in a very parallel way. For a minute you find yourself on the same page as total strangers. You think to smile at one of them but cannot make it feel right, they would know you didn't mean it.

There's a nurse wandering around.
"I’m here to see my sister"
"She’s in 219"
"Are you sure its her?" I wondered if we looked more alike than I had thought. "She’s the only girl we have on the floor right now."
It appears men lead more reckless lives, after all.
"Okay, thank you"
"You're welcome but you need the code. and only your dad has it. and there's only two visitors allowed at a time."
Only two visitors at a time
You call your dad. You wait. You hit that point where you're not sure if you're heartless or trusting.
You stare at a person you love. Tubes coming out of them, for a moment they are a machine. Air is forced into their lungs; breathing because they can't.
open your eyes. please open your eyes. you have visitors, say hello.
You kiss their hand because their cheeks are covered in hospital things. "I love you." you turn to walk away.
You reach a point where you think, okay, I’ll either break down right here or save it for later
You save it for later
And keep saving it for later because you don’t have the time to cry now
You walk away from the hospital silently, and you stay silent for a while.
Every time you close your eyes you see that broken body, drowning in that gown, surrounded by five or six doctors and nurses, kindly asking you to step outside.

you know your whole world might change at any minute, any second and that the change would be permanent.

I don't have anything inspirational to say, like live every day like its your last or treat every person like its the last time you are going to see them. I don't want that from the people I love, I just want them.

Maybe we should just be where we are at the very moment we are there. Be with the people we are with, just because they deserve our time. Maybe we shouldn't be thinking about what will happen in the next 20 minutes, or what happened three hours ago. Maybe we should just be where we are, even when that hurts.

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  1. Mal, I hope everything is okay.

  2. Me with my mother's story, exactly. How do you know about this?

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. i agree with sar, good comment best friend.

    -mallory you write beautifully.

  5. This almost made me cry. I never thought this feeling could be put into words, but you just did it.